The Truth & Nothing But The Truth.

There’s been a lot on my heart recently that I just can’t seem to shake, something that I haven’t even been able to tell anyone just because It’s so much easier for me to pull out my computer or a notebook and write how I’m feeling rather than open my mouth and risk breaking down and falling apart in front of someone. So here it is. Anyone who is currently reading this, all I ask is that you kick all the judgement to the side and just step in my shoes for a few minutes. I’m not asking for any sympathy, just a listening ear and some words of wisdom if possible.

Here’s the truth: I’m done with telling people “I’m okay” or “I’m fine” all the time. I’m done LYING to people about how I actually feel. When people ask how you’re doing, they want you to say that you’re doing good or you’re doing okay so they don’t have to listen to you talk about your problems. But from this point on, I don’t care what people want to hear. I’m going to tell them what I want them to hear. If I’m having a bad day, I’m no longer going to say that “I’m good” or “I’m okay” or “My day’s been good” if it was the complete opposite, even if that’s what they want to hear. Truth is, not everybody can handle the truth, but I’m gonna give you the truth, whether or not you can handle it.

I’m not okay. I had to put my 14 year old dog down 3 months ago, only a few days before my birthday and I’m not okay, but I put a smile on my face and act like nothing happened and that I’m okay. When I went back home to Indiana last month, I had to visit my grandpa’s grave with my grandma. Visiting with my grandma and hearing her talk about my grandpa and him not actually being there broke me. The look on her face when we visited his grave, broke me. All the hurt and pain in her eyes with the words she spoke, broke me. Even I wasn’t ready to visit his grave. That was the one thing I was dreading the entire trip. Ever since he passed in December, that’s all I’ve thought about. And I’m still not over his death. I still can’t believe that he’s gone. Every time I hear about him, It breaks me. I’m not okay, but I still put a smile on my face and act like I’m okay.

I don’t really have friends any more. Stopped talking to my friends because I’ve got too much on my plate right now and I can’t open up and tell them how I feel nor do I feel like talking to anyone about how I feel. Well, I do but I don’t at the same time. It’s complicated. Ya feel me?

If you don’t show me you’re willing to listen or make me feel comfortable enough to open up, then I won’t ever tell you how I feel. I won’t come to you about anything. It will always be “I’m okay” or “I’m fine”. If you want me to tell you the truth, if you want me to tell you how I feel, then show me you’re willing to listen and show me that I can trust you enough to be myself and to open up to you.

And let’s be honest, It’s kind of hard to make friends when you’re the most insecure person on planet earth and constantly feel like people are judging you. It’s hard not to care what people think and I know I say all the time not to listen to other people’s opinions and to not care what people think, but I’m so contradicting it’s not even funny. I’m constantly worried about what people think of me. Whether or not they like me, whether or not they actually want to hang out with me, etc., so I am in no position to tell anyone not to care about what other people think when I do the exact opposite.

If you ever think or have ever thought for one second I have my life together, then you are way off your rocker. 99% of the people you think have their lives together, don’t actually have their lives together at all. For example, I thought I wanted to be a model. Put hundreds and thousands of dollars towards getting into that industry, got signed to an agency, and experienced severe anxiety for about a year before I realized I didn’t want to be a model anymore nor could I afford to get into that industry and put my health at even more of a risk. Then I thought I wanted to be a writer. My grandpa passed away and I fell down a pretty dark path. Then we had to put my dog down and I fell even deeper. Became so self-conscious not just about my looks and how I walk, talk, act, and think, but how I write. I started to believe I could never publish a book because I wasn’t a good enough writer. Writing just wasn’t for me anymore. Then I wanted to be a wedding planner, and now I’m not sure that I would even be good at THAT anymore. I don’t even know what I want to do anymore!

Finally, I’m tired of people asking me if I’m going to college or what I’m gonna do now that I’m out of high school. I graduated at 15 for a reason. And that reason was so that I could have a few years to myself to figure out things. To figure out whether or not I even want to go to college or what it is that I actually want to do. Most kids when they graduate high school at 18 (or whatever age it is that they graduate), they head straight for college. I graduated early so that I have those extra 3 years to figure out whether or not I actually want to go. But regardless of whether or not I go, it doesn’t make me any less intelligent. And I shouldn’t be made to feel any less intelligent if I decide not to go.

 

To any of you who are currently indecisive on whether or not you want to go to college, just remember that your level of intelligence is not determined by your education, but by the way you handle what life throws at you. Don’t let anybody ever make you feel any less intelligent just because you’ve decided that college life just isn’t for you.

Anyways, my whole point of this was to show you that everybody struggles with something whether you admit to it or not. And no matter how put together someone may look on the outside, they could be a complete mess on the inside. All judgement put aside, I just wanted to be honest and get that off my chest. I’m not okay and I’m not gonna lie about it anymore. I’m not gonna apologize for being honest about how I feel and what I’m going through. I’m posting this in hopes of being a light to someone who might feel like they’re stuck in a pit of darkness with no way out meanwhile lifting the weight off my chest.

Thank you for taking the time out to read this, and I hope you know that you’re never alone no matter the situation. And if you can’t talk it out with someone, Β a little writing never hurt nobody.

Until next time…..

-Mickayla

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“FORGET the past, LIVE in the now, EXPECT a future.”

You are not your thoughts.
Any thoughts you have don’t define you as a person unless you act upon them.
If we all acted upon our thoughts,
none of us would receive eternal life.
We’d be doomed for hell.
We all have temptations, as humans.
God says in His Word, He is not astonished by intrusive thoughts. We all have scary or embarrassing thoughts sometimes that pop into our mind or that we purposely allow to have ruling over our lives because we don’t know how to get rid of them. And I hate to say it, but at one time, God had embarrassing thoughts as well. How else can one give advice to get through something if they’ve never been through that themselves? Exactly my point. At one time, God wasn’t perfect. He made mistakes and made the ultimate sacrifice by being Himself. He never was consummate (perfect) until He rose again.
Sometimes we think we’re so weak that we eventually give in and allow those thoughts to control how we live our day to day lives. We let it get so far that we feel like we’re sinking in quicksand, scratching at the surface looking for a hand to hold or somebody to hold us.
We’ve got to have common sense and realize how strong we are and how weak our thoughts are. We have to fight until our final breath. We’ll never get through life if we constantly dwell on our thoughts or past events that hurt us or maybe we hurt someone else. There’s a reason why it’s called the past. It is MEANT to be left behind, not relived. We’re living in the now. All we need to focus on are positive events currently occurring.
You can’t ride a broken time machine and expect it to work without being fixed.
Meaning, you can’t focus on the past and expect to be happy if you can’t forgive AND forget.
Live in the NOW and your past will be nonexistent (like Harry Potter’s invisible cloak).
Forget the past, Live in the now, Expect a future.

RIP beloved angel.

7 years ago, I first started watching Christina Grimmie on YouTube. I was 7 years old and her music gave me chills and tears eyes. Ive always been mesmerized not only by the voice of an angel, but by how strong she stood in the word of God even with the platform she had. she had a love so strong that everyone was envious of. how could that girl stay so strong in her faith with such a broad audience? Hollywood screws so many people up and you thought she was going to be next, but you were wrong. the advantages of her platform never once shook her values and how strong she stood in her faith. yes, she has talent, but through every song, the light of Jesus shines through and any non-believer would tell you that. even the most possessed human in the world could tell you that they felt the spirit of God through her music. her music has inspired so many people, including my family and I. I give my greatest condolences to the Grimmie family and those affiliated with that beautiful angel of the Lord. I know Christina’s music has inspired me in more ways than one and I will thank her one day for the mark she made on this world, on me. I was devestated and angry when I found out the news but that soon turned into understanding. how she died was not at all right in any way shape or form. in fact, it was sickening and cruel in every way possible. however, I’ve come to terms with the fact that she has fulfilled her purpose and it was time that she went home with the King of Kings. I only wish I was able to meet her when she came down here in February, but there was a reason for me not meeting her and I understand and respect that. 

I can only imagine how joyful she must be, dancing and singing with the angels of the Lord. she would only want us to be happy and in celebration of her finally making it to Heaven. it only sucks she made it before us lol. soon enough, Grimmie. see you soon enough. until then, rest easy and try not to ask God TOO MANY questions πŸ™‚
#RIPChristinaGrimmie #GunControl #StopGunViolence 

life is a tsunami!!!

there comes a time when the beauty of life suddenly drifts away and becomes this tsunami that tries to swallow you whole. believe me, that tsunami has swallowed me more than once. but we have to fight and conquer that tsunami no matter what it takes. adrenaline, anger, courage, etc. it can knock the wind out of you if you aren’t trying hard enough or you aren’t trying at all.
life is a rocky road. I’ll tell you that straight up front. there’s going to be days where you feel like you’re on top of the world and you’re indestructible, and then there’s those days where you feel like the world is slowly caving in and you can already feel yourself slowly sinking like a puddle of quicksand. I’m sure we’ve all experienced both, let’s all be honest here.
and there’s also those days where you have a mixture of both, bad and good. you feel indestructible but at the same time, you’re slowly sinking. I’m not going to lie, I had one of those days today.
I felt so indestructible all morning and then getting towards night time, I became anxious and afraid. being the only one awake at 10:39pm, I can tell you I’m not as anxious as I was an hour ago. and that is why I love writing because I can focus on writing and all my pain just melts away. writing is my distraction from the world. this is my safe haven. expressing my emotions simply using letters.
sometimes we feel like life is sinking quicksand or a tsunami trying to swallow us whole. in all reality, we only feel like that because we’ve trained our minds to believe that life is vicious, hopeless, and cruel.
did you know our minds have the biggest part in how we think and feel? we let our minds control our life: how we act, how we think, how we feel, and the things that happen in our life. don’t you think it’s about time we shut our minds off and listen to our hearts and how our hearts feel? they do say the heart knows what’s best.
sometimes we may walk bare feet on a rocky road, but that doesn’t mean that life is vicious, hopeless, or cruel. stop letting your mind manipulate you into believing that.
life is a beautiful, graceful, sweet little thing that we’re lucky enough to experience and with the hand of God, be guided through our trials & tribulations. that’s why I believe God puts us in certain situation for a purpose. there is always a purpose for the things we go through and the people we come across in life. I’ve come to terms with the fact that may I’m going through this hardship to bring me closer to God. I haven’t had as close of a relationship with Him over the past few years. I feel like He put me in this situation, not to receive pleasure in watching me struggle, but rather because he knows how strong and brave I am, He knows I’m a warrior and I will fight, and He is never wrong. I’ve always liked the saying “God doesn’t put you in a situation He knows you can’t handle”.
and this has brought me closer to God and craving more of His Word, His eternal love, and wisdom. in fact, I decided a few weeks ago that I needed a change so I started going back to my home church. I’ve gone there ever since I was 3 years old. I’ve gotten back into the youth group, and almost every message has related to certain situations I’ve been in and I am in. I can’t help but just let the Spirit of God take over me. I’ve cried more now than I’ve ever cried in church. I just want to be happy again and I crave that “top of the world” feeling every single day of my life. I will continue to fight battles and absorb God’s Word into my heart and soul.
your mind is the most powerful part of your body. don’t let it manipulate you and take control over your life. we are all children of the King. cast all your fears on Him, for he cares about you. it hurts Him to see you like this. it hurts Him to see ME like this. always remember: there is a purpose behind every situation and everything that happens in this world. and if you can’t believe me, you can find every solution to your problem in the Word of God. trust your Bible. God doesn’t make promises he can’t keep. He doesn’t lie, steal, or destroy.
thank you for listening … and thank you God for this day that we weren’t even promised.
goodnight world πŸŒ™ rest easy now.

Happy Valentines Day!

I’m back! I know, I barely post anymore. Been taking some time to renew myself and to correct the wrong in my life. Also, I’ve been working super duper hard on my school and how thankful am I that I have officially finished 10th grade and am already 1/2 of the way through my 11th grade. I’m very proud of myself!!! Plus, there were a few birthday celebrations so all in all, I’ve just been very busy. But here I am!

Happy Valentines Day! Although I’m living that wonderful single life and I don’t have a Valentine this year, I have a few things I’d like to share.

It’s almost as if nobody understands the true meaning behind any holiday or celebration. Everyone seems to believe that Valentines day is all about the couples when it isn’t. 

Valentines day is appreciating and loving on those who surround you, whether it be your boyfriend/girlfriend, your husband/wife, your pet(s), your friend(s), your sibling(s), or your bed.

That is the true meaning behind Valentines day. So, I hope you all enjoy your day, whether you spend it with someone or not, love is in the air and it will put a smile on your face just knowing that.

I’ll be back soon with another topic to go on about, don’t worry πŸ™‚
Sincerely,

Mickayla Tregellas

Happy Birthday angel!

you’re not 18. i keep saying that in my head, wishing it wasn’t as true as it is. my sister is turning 18 & as much as i wish i could turn back time, i cant find a time travel machine nor do i have the time to build one. i feel like i may shed a few tears today. if you told me when i was born that my sister would be turning 18 january 7th of 2016, i wouldn’t have believed nor would i understand what you were trying to say lol. 
but i’ve realized 18 is just another year. to me, the number 18 means nothing. to others, it may seem like a big deal. but we still get to spend time with each other and create new memories. i can’t wait to be able to start traveling the world with you! i can’t wait to meet new people, explore new places, & just enjoy our life with our wings spread wide so we can soar together!
the man you marry is such a lucky guy, honestly. you are the most AMAZING person i know and i couldn’t ask for a better sister, friend, partner in crime, & adventure buddy! those who hurt you don’t deserve your appreciation, determination, & kindness. you’re such a strong, brave, & independent woman. i sometimes think u don’t always always realize just how beautiful of a person, inside & out, you are. you make me laugh until i cry, you make me smile until my cheeks hurt, and you just plain out make me feel good about myself. you’re constantly encouraging me & giving the best advice when i’m going through crap. i wish everybody in the world came to u for advice, because honestly, you’re so incredible & such a woman of god. i can’t wait to embark on our journey together aswell as independently & discover the future god has ahead of us πŸŒ™β˜„
happy 18th birthday ash πŸ’—πŸ‘ΌπŸΌ i love you to the galaxy & back, & always remember.
love,

mouse

dark rainy day

dark rainy day

oh how i wish you could stay

here with me forever

the dark is dark but the light is bright

shield me from the big bright light

im not fighting anymore
my fears come alive

in the middle of the night

lying awake staring at the ceiling

wondering how you truly must be feeling

my thoughts keep me awake

cant fall asleep

i toss and turn until i start to weep

youre on my mind

cant seem to let you go

its been 5 days

dont know if you know
how have you been my friend

do you miss me again

when we stop talking it doesnt make sense

you left me all alone

with nothing but a pillow and a blanket to hold

the darkness comes and reels me in

every force within

i scream and thrash all over the place

but he wont seem to give in

let me go dark i weep

youre hurting me
so i left you alone

ill leave you be

now i can finally be me

im free im me

like a willow tree

swaying into the breeze
dark rainy day

oh wont you please just go away

i dont need your presence anymore

the light is bright but the dark is dark

im fighting you more now than ever before
ill stand my ground

youll see me fight

but the dark side is gone and im reeling in light